She walked into Starbucks looking put together in her cute, stylish shirt with her adorable toddler in tow. Ordering our caffeine of choice, we wasted no time settling in and uncovering the voice of this beautifully strong woman.
She began by stating that she has struggled with her mental health since her early teen years. She didn’t know what to call it but depression had haunted her for a while when she encountered another girl around age 13 who had explored cutting. This girl told Bailey that she felt better when she cut because it was a pain she could control. Bailey shared at this point, that her dad was a psychologist and she felt like he should have seen the signs, which led her to feeling even worse. Of course, as an adult now she realizes how hard it is to be a parent and she knows that her mom and dad did the absolute best that they could. She often felt lonely and invisible in her own home.
Anyone watching our interview wouldn’t know anything serious was being discussed as her toddler plays around us. The little girl interrupts to ask mom to start the tablet back up and ask questions and Bailey looks like every mom in the coffee shop. Sitting and chatting with friends while she juggles the needs of her kiddo with the conversation.
She remembers being about 15 when a very kind teacher noticed what was going on and encouraged her to go talk to the guidance counselor. For the first time, she felt hopeful that she wouldn’t have to feel depressed forever and that maybe there was a light at the end of the tunnel. The guidance counselor got her parents involved and they all agreed that she should see a doctor. That was the beginning of her adventures with anti-depressants. (We asked if the meds helped) Looking at us so honestly, she says that she didn’t feel like the pills really helped- more of a placebo effect so that the current negative behavior came to a stop. Everyone kept telling her that “It will get better now” so she tried to hope that it would. She stops her and looks at us so seriously. “Try as many doctors as you need to, I can’t emphasize that enough” she says confidently. “You have to remember that you have choices and that YOU are in charge of your health.” We can tell that this is something she’s really passionate about and we can really see this is where she wants her voice to be heard. Every person is so unique and it’s important that you find a healthcare professional that really resonates with you and your needs.
She goes on. As her teen years continued, she started to explore alcohol. She states that it was her way of self-medicating. She would drink at school, in fact, that’s where she started drinking. Cigarettes weren’t far behind the alcohol and at this point she had tried multiple anti-depressants to try and find relief. She admits that it was hard to tell if the meds were working because she was pretty consistently drunk which didn’t give them much of a chance to make an impact.
The drinking continued but she stopped taking all medication and just worked her way into being really dependent on alcohol to get her through the day. On top of the abuse she was doing to her own body, she found herself in a toxic relationship that was also abusive. She smirks as she talks about how easy it was to tell other women to get out of the abusive relationships while not being able to stand up for herself in her own. She felt like no one else would love her. Who is going to love a depressed woman who is often drunk sexually confused by the religious standards that she had been taught? Her voice quiets a bit as she says, “I guess my first suicide attempt was when I was about 17. I started with a pretty serious cut but just couldn’t take it any further and then a year later I got pregnant with Emily.”
So, we ask the question- Who is Emily?
She lights up like someone just handed her a million-dollar check and says “Emily is my gorgeous Daughter.” But we know that is really just the beginning of that story. Her face glows when she talks about her daughters but this is also when the tears start. This is harder for her to talk about than her own struggles with mental illness.
Emily was born male (they named her Zack) but around two years of age, she started showing a lot of interest in feminine stuff and as that continued, they wondered if this was just a phase, if she was going to be bisexual like her mom or if there was something else going on. Bailey states that her and her husband were pretty convinced by the time Emily was four that something was going to be A-typical. When she began attending kindergarten, she started talking about Emily in third person and then not surprisingly they received a message from the school that Zack was asking to be called Emily and wanted to know if they were ok with that. They decided that was a battle that they didn’t want to fight and one they assumed would end quickly anyway so no big deal. They were wrong. At this point in the conversation Bailey sort of stares off into space as she recalls the memories of taking Emily to Children’s Mercy and beginning their journey toward finding out their kiddo was transgender. Emily insisted she was a girl even after they had genetic bloodwork done that did NOT confirm her claim to femininity. Tears begin to flow as Bailey recounts the memory of walking out of the hospital, asking Emily if she felt like a girl and if she wanted to be a girl. Their 7-year-old looked at them with confidence and stated the affirmative. They immediately took her to the store and bought her all the girl clothes that she wanted. While this was the beginning of a new life for Emily, it very much felt like an ending for her parents. They couldn’t be more proud of who their daughter was but they felt as if the memory of their son was now fading away.
We wanted to know if it was hard to make the switch as a parent of a son to now being a parent of a daughter who was formerly a son- so we asked. Bailey replied that at times it felt like a painful transition. She teared up again as she mentioned the baby pictures that they have up in their home of Emily dressed as a male and how Emily now finds those pictures frustrating. The therapist is working with her to help her understand that when she was born, they didn’t know that she was a girl but how that doesn’t make her any less of a girl- any less of who she is as Emily. At almost 10 years old now, Emily is still on this journey.
There are so many questions and confusing circumstances to face when you have a transgender child. Bailey shared many of these with us. Issues at school with what bathroom to use, how to address the fact that she can’t wear a girl swimsuit because she has a penis. Trying to find balance with her because all she wants to listen to are girl singers and yet she won’t let go of some of her boy clothes. How do you work out sleepovers? How do you explain to kids that her lunch card says Zach but her name is Emily? How do you get kids to try and understand her instead of just judging her? As we all know, kids can be so mean and most of them just can’t understand the dynamic that Emily exhibits. Plus, with the autism diagnosis, Emily also struggles socially which makes everything so far from black and white that most kids and even parents struggle to relate or even begin to understand how to approach her. Why do people need an either/or label? Why do we have to choose boy or girl? Bailey mentions that she ever felt like she fit exclusively into either one of those so why should her child have to fit into a single mold?She encourages other parents to just listen to their kids. Maybe it’s just a phase, but maybe they really need to be heard. “It may not be easy,” she says, but it’s easier for you to accept your kid for who they really are.”
So, why isn’t there more conversation surrounding kids like Emily and her family dynamic? When we asked Bailey about resources, she stated that she has really come up empty when looking locally for play groups or support groups that might make this journey easier. When we circled back to how this has impacted her mental health, the tears began to flow once more. “You start to feel isolated.” Bailey begins. “People just don’t understand. They can empathize but they don’t really get it. My depression always gets worse when school starts because I’m worried about her.” She mentions going through another rainbow of pills recently to try and settle things. After experience one pill that made her manic, she confessed that she would drink to counteract the symptoms and try to feel level again. She even experienced a toxic friendship who would bring her alcohol and encouraged her to drink even on her good days. By the middle of the school year she was waking her husband up in the middle of the night because she couldn’t trust herself to be alone and not take her own life. Another doctor, another hospitalization ensued and that’s when Jeremy (husband) began doing research for TMS. (See below for more information on this type of therapy) The TMS along with Reiki, and meditation has really helped Bailey a ton as she continues on this journey. She believes that it’s important for people to know that once you have this kind of depression- it doesn’t just go away over–night. “Meditation helps to bring me back to my real desires. (she closes her eyes her and recites a mantra) I want to be well; I want to be happy; I want to be at peace- this is my favorite mantra!” It’s still a struggle though. There are times when she finds herself taking a long shower and feeling as if her kids would be better off without her. She acknowledges that it’s hard to tell people how to help her even when she knows they genuinely want to love on her. The biggest thing they can do sometimes is to just offer a hug. Such a simple action that can make such a huge difference. She mentions again how important it is to make sure you’re seeing the right doctor. The doctor she is currently seeing helped her to figure out that the current family of drugs she had been experimenting with, just didn’t work for her and that they needed to try something else. Which is why she feels so passionately about switching doctors if yours isn’t listening or it just isn’t a good fit. Her current doctor discovered that every pill she has ever tried has been from the same family of medicines and just doesn’t work for her body. Now they are trying something outside that family and seeing more results. Having someone who will listen and really care makes all the difference.
Bailey also talked about the overuse of mental illness verbiage and how it makes it hard for her to talk to people. We are all guilty of saying, I am so anxious or I am so depressed when we are not suffering from true depression or anxiety and it makes people immune to hearing it and being concerned about it. True depression means food is exhausting for her and she can barely eat, that it is hard to get through the day, that she feels like her kids would be better off without her.
So, we asked her what she would say to other women who have been through similar circumstances as she has with her mental health. Her biggest advice was to just tell someone. “If you feel sad, if you feel worried, go to a doctor- any doctor. Just go tell someone!” She begins to cry again here and speaks profound advice yet again. “It only takes one bad day and you can make choices that you can’t take back. You can even tell a friend, but just tell someone. There are 1,000 ways that you can get help and you don’t have to do it alone.”
Our final question for Bailey was to ask how it felt to tell her story today, to let her voice be heard?
“My heart feels lighter. Which even this helps with isolation, helps with depression. This chance to talk about it and let it out instead of holding it in and holding on to all that pain by myself. I don’t have to pretend it’s easy. It’s always there. It’s going to be there when you wake up, it’s going to be the monster under your bed. It helps to talk about it.”
Recommended Resources:
1-800-273-8255
Free and Fierce Collective 