I Talk to Myself and Sometimes it Isn’t Nice

We all have that small voice inside our head that chats us up constantly throughout the day.  Sometimes it encourages us and builds us up and sometimes it’s a real Queen B. Deciphering the truth bombs from the bull shit can be a difficult task at times. I wonder if there’s a secret to quieting the criticism and turning up the voice of encouragement. I’m sure I’m still on that journey of letting go and tuning into the parts that I really need to hear.

A Day inside my head…

*alarm goes off*  I’m tired. Why am I always tired? Ugh, look at my hair. Aren’t my babies so cute when they sleep. I hope I’m a good mom. I have nothing to wear that doesn’t make me look lumpy. I love this outfit. I look pretty. Easy there dark circles, I’m only in my 30’s. What am I going to eat for lunch that’s healthy and helps me meet my goals? Why can’t I just eat Pop Tarts and be fit? Breakfast was filling. Did I pack enough for lunch? I wish I had more time with my babies. I have a really nice car, I’m so blessed. I love my babies, wish I could see them off to school. For the love of God, has everyone forgotten how to drive today!?!? Will they ever finish this road construction? HAHA, my car has a funny voice when my boyfriend calls. Ok work, we are going to be friends today. Mmmm… coffee. ❤ Ok, clients, mail, smile, be a good team member, try to improve, I’ve got this. Have I had enough water today? Time is going so fast. Is that clock even moving? Am I doing a good job? I definitely haven’t had enough water. I’m hungry. I’m doing a good job and I know I’m appreciated. I’m thankful for my job. Here we go, rush hour traffic. I wonder what my babies are doing. I love my gym. Am I working hard enough? Should I up my weight? I feel strong. My butt looks good. I’m hungry. Why do I live so far from the gym? Home sweet home, I’m so blessed. I love my dogs. I love my man. What chores should I do tonight to feel productive? Should I be doing more of the cooking? I’m tired. I should do more yoga. Shaving my legs is so overrated. I love when my skin feels so soft. I’m not getting any younger, I should take better care of my skin. I look pretty without makeup. I’m tired. What do I need to do to feel good about today before going to bed? Am I doing life ok? Should I still feel sad? I have so much to be thankful for. I’m working hard and it’s going to pay off. I’m tired. I should take better care of myself. I’m doing the best I can.

 

In a nutshell, that’s a day inside my head. I waiver between confidence and confusion while counting my blessings and wondering if I should be happier. I’ve been through some things recently that have left me with my brokenness showing, but sometimes I think that’s okay. I haven’t figured out yet how to perfectly navigate my path toward healing but I think that’s part of the whole journey. I often think that I’m failing but then I remember that means I’m at least trying. The idea of feeling whole again is appealing and maybe it’s even a fantasy but I think the pieces I have left are still beautiful and even if they don’t make sense right now, they are a part of who I am. That voice inside my head is me. It’s me climbing through patterns and memories and energy in my body. It’s also me trying to climb higher, push further and embrace that life is worthy of being lived. Pain and pleasure are both part of the journey.

I’m doing the best I can and I know you are too. It’s hard to balance life between that devil and that angel that so annoyingly sit inside your brain and pull you from one side to another. We fight a daily battle to make the “right” choices and most of the time we don’t even know what that means. I think more self-love and less self harm needs to be a goal. Even just allowing those tiny negative thoughts to be entertained for a few seconds can be incredibly harmful to our hearts if we aren’t careful to keep them in check. Guard your heart my friend and if you’ve mastered this secret or you have a great tip for turning negative head space into positive forward movement, we’d love to hear more! Link to your blog in the comments or post your favorite quote that keeps you encouraged on your journey. We are all in this human experience together and that is a beautiful thing. ❤

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2 thoughts on “I Talk to Myself and Sometimes it Isn’t Nice

  1. Suzie says:

    Suzie from the running retreat, here. 🙂 On “turning negative head space into positive forward movement,” there is a wonderful book by Michael Singer called “The Untethered Soul” that I have underlined pretty much cover to cover. He talks about how we are NOT actually the the thoughts we think, but the one observing those thoughts, and how to take a step back and stop identifying with our thoughts and feelings. He says rather we should be “curious observers,” of our thoughts, so we can figure out where they are really coming from, and if need be, to change them. I highly recommend it! All that said, I completely empathize with wavering between confidence and confusion. I also vacillate between being hyper self-aware all the time to saying “f*#% it, I’m just going to LIVE and BE and not worry so much!” I have a coffee mug that says “Love more, worry less.” It’s a good reminder. 🙂

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